Jokes about Coronavirus. Congratulations to all on the First of April! We wish you not to lose optimism, maintain your waist size, endure the battle with a cat and a dog, do not strangle your husband, do not envy teachers, wait for the opening of beauty salons! Let buckwheat and toilet paper be in abundance for you, and let the source of internal and external disinfectants not run out. We have prepared for you a small selection of jokes about the most famous character – Coronavirus. Smile!
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URGENTLY!
A man with a supply of buckwheat and pasta will meet a woman with a supply of sugar and toilet paper
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Coronavirus is undoubtedly a worldwide female conspiracy.
Proof of:
– Mostly men die.
– Canceled all matches.
– Closed bars and entertainment venues.
– The survivors are sitting at home with their wives.
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The mayor of Moscow, Sobyanin, urged residents of the capital during quarantine to take an example from Lenin, who had not left home for almost 100 years.
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The second week of quarantine. Talked to a spider. We talked well. He is also a web designer.
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My cat begins to show nervousness, because for several days I have been constantly in his apartment …
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The most effective remedy against coronavirus is a glass of alcohol, three times a day. In the second week of prevention, viruses become visible to the naked eye, and they can be destroyed with a regular fly swatter.
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I bought sugar, yeast. On the weekend I’ll try to invent a vaccine against coronavirus.
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– If, because of the coronavirus, beauty salons will be closed for a couple of months, manufacturers of sophisticated smartphones will be inundated with claims and suits …
– Why?
– Smartphones will no longer recognize their owners.
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“Aren’t you afraid to die from a coronavirus?”
– I have a loan, they pump me out.
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On the tenth day of quarantine, my dog told me that she had never considered Nietzsche a serious philosopher.
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For the fight with the coronavirus in the country, they created:
– operational staff
– working group
– coordination advice
Something still is not enough … There is still a commission, headed by Malysheva, with Valeria, Prilepin and Malakhov. And then there is no feeling of complete security.
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Coronovirus pandemic.
The Chinese government introduces enhanced quarantine, builds additional hospitals, invests in the creation of instant tests, closes borders.
European governments quarantine all over the country and turn to China for help.
The Russian government calls on everyone to come to vote for the cancellation of the presidential term.
People: Hey, have you forgotten anything?
– A! Right Thank you for reminding me. Gas prices need to be raised.
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He opened social networks, was surprised: where did my friends get so many virologists?
Normal political scientists were.
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For today, the expression “I sneezed at your referendum!” qualifies as a threat of terrorist attack. Be careful!
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The man coughed on the bus. The whole bus is looking at him. Conductor:
– Do you have a coronavirus?
The male:
– No, what are you! I have tuberculosis!
Conductor:
– Well, thank God!
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A significant plus in the current situation with coronavirus is that now you can be absolutely sure that the sausage does not contain toilet paper.
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The toilet is the leader in the securities market.
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An effective cure for coronavirus, sidisukadoma, has been found in Japan.
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Remote work, bitch, dangerous!
You can oversleep the end of the working day !!!
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Is it possible to remove 2020 and reinstall it?
This version is with a virus.
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We just can’t decide where to spend our next vacation: either in the living room or in the bedroom.
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My cat begins to show nervousness, because for several days I have been constantly in his apartment …
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2020 was the leap of all leap ones.
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The head doctor makes a detour of the hospital.
– As a patient with suspected coronavirus?
– Fine. Put in a separate ward. Assigned a special diet.
– What kind of diet?
– Feed the cookies.
– Why cookies?
“Nothing else goes into the gap between the floor and the door …”
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Two coronaviruses are found.
– Yesterday I put such a beauty to bed! – says one dreamily.
The second sadly answers:
– But I’m not lucky. All old women and old women come across.
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In the Moscow metro, the driver warns passengers over the speakerphone:
– Due to the threat of the spread of the new coronavirus, the train will follow the Kitai-Gorod station without stopping.
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Confession of one happy man:
Coronavirus is the best thing that could happen in my life!
My wife no longer wants to travel!
She doesn’t buy anything else, because everything is made in China!
And she no longer goes shopping because she is avoiding the crowd!
???????????????????
She spends all time in a mask and with her mouth closed!
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And the drivers of the coronavirus alone benefit!
– And why is that?
Well, then, the traffic cop stops you, you lowered the window, sneezed a couple of times, and all questions immediately disappear.
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Coronavirus, as a reason for acquaintance: “Girl, let’s quarantine together?”
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The first person died in Russia from a coronavirus! In the garage, a 200 kg rack with buckwheat, pasta and stew fell on it!
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Stock.
Buy tours to Italy at discounted prices and get two weeks of relaxation at home as a gift in addition to your vacation.
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They said that you just need to put on a mask and rubber gloves so as not to pick up the coronavirus when you go outside.
This is all a lie!
When I came to the supermarket, it turned out that everyone also wore clothes!
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“In my opinion, it is incredible stupidity to work at home … My family is not at all happy about this … Albert, 43, a pathologist …”
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Classification of people in relation to coronavirus
- Egoists (“I am fucked, I am not 60 years old”)
- Alarmed (“Everything is much worse than you think”)
- Alarmists (“We will all die! The end of the world is near! Urgently buying stewed, condensed milk and toilet paper!”)
- Anti-alarmists (“Alone alarmists around”)
- Mathematics (“The virus multiplies exponentially !!!” vs “Only 0 whole 00,000 horseradish of some population is infected”)
- Virologists (“The virus is much more deadly than the flu vs” The virus is much safer than the flu “)
- Racists (“The virus infects only the Chinese” / “The Chinese are to blame for everything”)
- Sociable (every ten minutes they tweet about how their health and how they feel)
- Risk lovers (“Now I’m going to the subway, according to the results I will unsubscribe if I am alive)
- Comedians (“Coronavirus when crossing the border of Russia turns into ARVI”)
- Anti-amorists (“And how dare you joke when people die?”)
- Oppositionists (“The government is reacting too slowly” vs “The government is violating rights and freedoms in the fight against the virus”)
- Loyalists (“The government does everything correctly, I can only applaud with clear and well-coordinated work”)
- Witnesses of the apocalypse (“The planet is cleansed of garbage, the name of which is humanity”)
- Economists (“The economy is in the brunt”
- Revolutionaries (“This is the Beginning of the End of Capitalism”)
- Misanthropes (“Finally, you can relax and not see these damned people”)
- Introverts (“Sitting at home and not talking to anyone? Well, finally at least something that I know perfectly”)
- Statistics (“On the roads every year, 100 thousand die / a million dies from the flu per year, but all are fucked”)
- Proponents of conspiracy theories (“It’s all a conspiracy of Masons / reptilians / manufacturers of toilet paper / writers of memes about the virus”)
- Soothing others (“Yes, it’s bad, but I think it’s worth to be distracted – just look at this cat”)
- Soothing oneself (“I don’t panic, but 500 rolls of toilet paper, 300 kilograms of buckwheat and 200 cans of stewed meat will still come in handy anyway, and they decorate the apartment”)
- Those to whom war is a mother is native (“A unique amulet from a coronavirus for only 5000 rubles”)
- Sane (“A virus is not a catastrophe, but it’s not something you can shrug off. You must follow the prescribed safety measures and not violate quarantine to reduce the risk of infection and thereby
- reduce the burden on the health system”)
- Those who classify people according to their relation to coronavirus.
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